:: anne in the attic ::

Create Your Own Countdown

:: Tuesday, February 25, 2003 ::

I should begin by saying that recent events have catapulted me into the "not myself" zone. Yesterday, my partner received the news that a brother had passed away. There is talk of flying back East for the services. Here, it was another beautifully clear day in paradise -- so cool and dry that I had a nosebleed during the evening collections run and had to be replaced in the middle of the run. Then the usual ensuing killer headache and lightheadedness. And now I'm nearly human again.

Sunday I lost another entire day to creativity... again. Convinced myself that arranging and recording a cover of a Bob Dylan song was a good idea. It didn't turn out too badly, but I need to redo some of the vocals, as some of those tracks were laid down during the morning "raspy" period.

Yesterday, I delivered a swing in a neighborhood of what I like to call "mortuary homes." Usually set in quiet neighborhoods with wide streets, these homes have the usual expansive sculpted front yards, but are set apart by their lifelessness, their sparseness, and the use of concrete. They tend to be wide, single-level homes that have the boring affluent-and-built-in-the-fifties Brady-bunch fronts with slab-like "mortuary doors." These are commonly a double-doored entrance, but sometimes I spot them in carports marking strange outdoor utility closets. To me, they look like the intake entrance of a mortuary. No one is ever home at these places. And it kind of gives me the creeps. In fact, as I approached one of the homes, a large, dead robin lay in the center of the concrete porch a few feet from the perfectly clean, reflective living room window. These neighboorhoods exist in pockets all over the city -- in the western hills, south hills, and across the bridge near the border of another town -- which tells you about when the city hit its development peak. Anyway, whenever I end up in one of these neighborhoods, I enter a kind of eerie surreal slow motion curiosity, and sometimes when I approach one of the homes, I imagine that it smells slightly off. Hmm.

Then I had this dream about being in a field near where the Country Fair is held each year, with the choir members. We were competing in some sort of relay thing, though I think it was somehow connected to our upcoming Spring retreat, because we seemed to have a few periods where we were just sitting around together in the outdoors (but there were some couches...) and hanging out, talking. And there was one particular choir member who seemed to be at my side most of the time, laughing with me, sitting next to me, running with me -- not someone I know particularly well. With dreams, I always try to discern what it is I'm trying to tell myself. Perhaps in this one it's just that I'd like to casually hang out with this person? Maybe it's that, right now, I'd be happy to be able to casually hang out with anybody, as it seems I never get to do that much anymore. *sigh* Well, they're still a couple of months off, but now I'm really looking forward to my vacation weeks.

:: Anne 9:32 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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On days like today, I love my job (even more than usual). The sun shone, but the temperature stayed on the cool side; this is how it has been lately -- just enough to coax the first spring buds to flower. The crocuses and daffodils have been up for a couple of weeks, and now the plum and apple trees have begun to flower all over town. A slight gust of wind lifts the snowy petals and the green smell of growth rises into the cool spring air. I was downtown in the early afternoon -- it was just a big hang-out scene. Around Cafe Paradiso and the music and book stores on Olive and Willamette Streets, I could hear the laughter, the sounds of conversation as I walked. The scent of Nag Champa is familiar in this town during the warmer months -- and though I usually despise patchouli, especially if it is used merely to cover up "the great unwashed," today I found it strangely comforting. A sign, I suppose, that we've made it through another winter.

I spent the day buoyed just a little from the night I had last night at Reading in the Rain. The choir's performance went well, yes. I was too fatigued to do anything social afterward, but I enjoyed seeing all my old buddies from B&N and the college bookstore. Mostly, though, I partook of a kind of comraderie that existed within the choir (including between us and the other choirs) -- sort of a "we're all in this together" thing. There are so many people in the choir I'd like to get to know better. I just hate that my time is so restricted right now. I feel torn. An old friend from Seattle whom I haven't seen in years is going to be down here at the coast all of next weekend, and I'm fighting with myself over hopping in the car just to see her for a few hours. That's the kind of thing I'll pressure myself about until either I do it or the time to do it has passed. "How'm I gonna keep myself away from me?" -- Counting Crows

:: Anne 6:36 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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Energy still sapped today, I popped an old favorite into the DVD player and watched (for probably the tenth time) American Beauty. Wow. I'd love to share a jay with Kevin Spacey and Wes Bentley and just shoot the shit. Of course, that would change the ol' guy-to-guy dynamic, but ideally, it'd be right up there in the top ten things I'd like to do on a rainy night. I kept noticing also how sparkling clean everything is in the movie. That's not an accident. Good foil for dirty inner lives. But it made me want to get up and clean my house... and also get my hands on some more new music. Joseph Arthur, for one, and I'm still waiting for the next Elliott Smith album.

:: Anne 6:43 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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Laid Out. That's what I've been the past three days. It's not so much that it knocks you suddenly off your feet, but that it saps your energy until you find you just can't get up anymore. You know you're sick when you never pee -- you just sweat everything out. Well, I'm feeling nearly human again, and thinking I'll be able to return to work in the morning if I'm not too wiped out. I think I needed this little slow-down to put things back into perspective. It's easy to put things on automatic instead of exercising the mindfulness of "here and now" necessary to take pleasure in life's ordinary motions. Made my cat deliriously happy to have me around so much, too. It's not that I would have chosen to live a busy life; that's just how it's going to be for a little while. But when something takes the film and slows it down to a frame-by-frame, you remember how you used to enjoy more silences, move a little slower, and the word "multi-tasking" was not quite in your active vocabulary yet. Once you get over your resistence to an oncoming cold, and surrender yourself to its ability to put the brakes on your life, and therefore your responsibilities, you experience a kind of release that allows you the freedom to relax. Acceptance sets in and you can again take in life's little close-ups. (Please excuse my sliding back and forth between first and second person, here; I don't feel quite up to the stuffiness -- no pun -- of throwing everything into the "proper" third person objective.)

I did get to watch a couple of DVD's I'd been wanting to see. The Bourne Identity wasn't bad -- pretty slick fast-moving eye-candy stuff. And The Minority Report was all that and more -- very polished, crouched atop moral dilemmas and precariously balanced philosophies. Anyway, they kept me entertained when I wasn't dozing. I have also been enjoying the latest Chris Robinson and David Gray CD's. Ah, the healing power of music. Gave myself a break from Morning Edition and the evening news, too, so I'm blissfully out of touch with the world's latest evils as well. And I did call and cancel my dental appointment for Monday -- how can they work on my teeth if I can't breathe through my nose? And lo and behold, while I wasn't looking, they paid us again today. We like that. I'm going to have to get serious about researching long-term investments.

:: Anne 11:08 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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As it turns out, I did very little on that list Sunday. But I found this great program and tinkered around with that for a couple of hours. AtomixMp3 lets you mix, add effects to, and and beatmatch mp3s DJ-style. The trial program can be had at Cnet.com.

This morning, fog has engulfed the city and I have no desire to go out into it. My throat is on fire and I know it's only the beginning of the "killer gunk" that has been spreading through the city, this winter's plague. I went out last night after work and picked up all manner of healthful supplies in anticipation. Well, I hope it hits me fast so I can get over it by next week so I can participate in the choir's performance. Today's battle will involve staying warm enough out there to assist my body temperature in beating back the invader. If I am still sick by next Monday, I'll just have to cancel that root canal. Drag, man.

:: Anne 8:43 AM [smartass remarks] ::
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There's little that's sweeter than the anticipation of a day off with almost no plans. I have the following solitary pursuits from which to choose:

1. Clearing the yard of winter debris and doing some much-needed pruning in the clear, cold air. (Likely for a short morning stint, with coffee in hand.)
2. Doing a Murphy's Oil Soap number on the floors. (Hmm, not too likely, but maybe if it rains....)
3. Filtering through the foot-high stack of papers that need filing. (Maybe for half an hour.)
4. Guitar practice (Quite likely, and I'll probably have to limit that to a couple of hours.)
5. Finessing the 4 recordings that are nearly releasable. (Unlikely -- that's usually an all-day thing.)
6. Mounting hooks in the shed to hang up some of the power tools. (Can you see it hanging heavily over my head?)

And then, the possible social pursuits are too many to list -- among them are the digital cataloguing of mom's recent series of sculptures (which requires a quick jaunt out of town), friends awaiting return calls, the housemate search (ick), the girlfriend, the brother, and a couple of people who need tutorials on various computer programs or functions. I hope to find a happy amalgam of these lists tomorrow. Damn, I hate having only one (definite) day off a week. A person needs two -- one to do the work that's been neglected all week, and the other to relax. I'm becoming an expert at time theft -- mostly from myself -- here and there; I have the "multi-tasking" disease. And tonight? Probably the brother. One down. Crossing people off of the list of things to do as though they were tasks... that sure is sad.

:: Anne 6:47 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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I regret that this will not be an auspicious beginning. A weblog is a somewhat narcissistic pursuit in itself; I hope that in this case, however, it will be a place where those who know me can "check in" when they wonder if I still walk the earth. To those of you who still wonder, thank you.

:: Anne 11:20 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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