:: anne in the attic ::

Create Your Own Countdown

:: Wednesday, September 24, 2003 ::

There are times when I believe I was meant to live a monastic life. Not literally, but many of the elements are there, it seems. And in many ways, it feels quite comfortable to me. I'm content to keep my own company, and often as a substitute for social contact, I develop a rich inner existence. There have been phases in my life as long as a year when I have sort of slipped out of everyone's lives and moved to the periphery, asking little and remaining rather invisible. That is not something that I honestly desire, however. After a time, I forget how it is to be close to others, and re-entry becomes a task. It's almost like a depression of sorts -- I can see myself drifting away, but feel somewhat powerless to stop it. I begin to feel isolated, estranged.

So this past week, I have made a real effort to reach out to people and try to prevent what I see happening right now. I am working a great many hours alongside trying to juggle the elements of responsibility, goals, and pleasure in my life. I see people every day, but it is only surface-skimming. I long for good, easy conversation with someone I trust well; I wish to balance the social with the solitary pursuits. I suppose, as an old friend and I used to say, some days I just would like to have my existence verified. Maybe that's just a cerebral way of saying that I'd like to know I'm loved. But then I always shy away from allowing that. So inside I wage psychological warfare with myself over things like the consequences of need, the cost of such risks, age-old battles.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." --Thoreau. Women, too, I'd guess.

:: Anne 11:59 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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A month after Mom's birthday, we celebrate mine (which was actually two days ago). It was a fine Autumn day here in the Pacific Northwest. Grant came down from Portland last night, Mom came up from Corvallis this morning, and we all proceeded to work in my yard until a little after one. Then we barbequed some chicken, had some drinks, and hung out on the porch admiring the results of our hard work. Grant hit the road around six, and I tuned Mom in to one of my DVD's on the high-def widescreen (she's driving back in the morning), and here I am with a little time to myself.

Wow, the last few weeks sure have been busy. The choir has started its new season, and with some great new material. It's nice to be back in touch with choir community. The guitar lessons are in full swing, and I've been busy learning to pick -- my teacher's great: easygoing but knows his shit and has incredible skills. I've been enjoying my freedom without the strangling relationship I'd been in for over three years. Back in August, I made the final decision to extricate myself from that, and it feels like a good one. However, I think I'm going to be unavailable for a while (and perhaps have been for some time), as I let myself pursue some personal interests and goals. So much to do, to discover. I am 38 now, after all.

:: Anne 7:37 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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