:: anne in the attic ::

Create Your Own Countdown

:: Monday, June 27, 2005 ::

There is a constant longing to experience that has been growing. Its most recognizable feature is a sense that others' realities are somehow "better" than mine-- or maybe, worthier is more accurate. I look around and see myself growing smaller in my world, less significant. I wonder if that's how it is as we age and come into the reality that our dreams will probably not happen, that nothing we can touch is as strong as the things we imagine. And the music videos we run in our heads alongside the lives we live seem further away and less from us, less applicable than we wish they were. Just to get a little grounding.

When I began this writing here, some two years ago, I thought of it as a place in my life where I could be honest with people and myself. I've always tried to be honest in a non-petty way, in a bigger sense, if you will. That's not to say that I do not incorporate that into my living; but on some level, this journal has relieved me of the responsibility to admit every little thing that I need to express to those around me. Here, it is specific, but can remain general enough not to stand in anyone's way. And now, I have not written much lately, though that's not because I have nothing to say, but more because it doesn't really seem to matter what I say, or if I say anything at all.

And if I am to continue in all honesty, I must admit that I have somewhat receded from society, and must remain so until I have rebuilt what I've managed to tear down in this last part of my life: my will and my sense of self. Without those things, a person cannot interact, cannot truly be. When you're lost inside, sometimes the outer motions of discipline and structure are all you have left. So I guess I am seeing what's to be done about that, and it seems I've got a lot of hard work to do now.

:: Anne 3:30 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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