:: anne in the attic ::

Create Your Own Countdown

:: Tuesday, October 24, 2006 ::

Strange how it happens and I don't always get the link between cause and effect, but sometimes the things people do and say make me feel insignificant, like I have no business making music or trying to make a film because everybody else is better than I am... at everything.

I can only try. And damn it, it never fails-- just when I'm starting to feel like I might be doing something worth keeping, something that other people might actually want to hear or see, something or someone always creeps in to show me that nobody really gives a shit about me or what I'm doing, that I'm just wasting my time and theirs. It's not that nobody is supportive-- there are people who are, and it's appreciated, but it seems they're the minority. What I most often see instead is a competitiveness that makes people want to put me down or supercede me somehow. Minimize my work, or ignore it completely, like I just don't exist. Is that what artists do to each other?

So that brings the query to mind: maybe I am hanging out with the wrong people? I crave the company of people who do what I do (it seems they're few and far between in my life right now), and so am willing to endure a lot for the repoire of someone who is able to "go there" with me, so to speak. But maybe the people I see as the most talented are not the best people for my psyche. We should be good for each other, and good TO each other. And there are quite a few folks/friends(?) whom I admire a lot for their abilities and their accomplishments. But maybe these particular people, accomplished though they may be, aren't particularly supportive of others or perhaps they're a bit Narcissistic in their focus. I know this isn't a nice thing to write, and I'm not pointing fingers, but it has been on my mind lately. There are people in my life who, when I was focussing on them and helping them, they were cool with me, and would accept all praise and acknowledgement I would offer them. But turn the tables and, well, it just doesn't happen-- they don't help me with my projects; nor do they acknowledge my efforts-- in fact, some of them have even publicly insulted my work (is it that bad, really?) and tried to sabotage projects. Why is that? I might expect that in the corporate world, but not from people who call themselves my friends and have had my support in their lives.

I guess ego and competitiveness are nasty things in friendship, and I'm sure have destroyed many. So that's one option: ego and competitiveness. The other is that really my work is shit and I have no business trying to create anything musically or otherwise and most people just put up with my Philistine efforts... barely. Either way, it makes me not want to share my work with a great many people.

:: Anne 11:37 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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