:: anne in the attic ::

Create Your Own Countdown

:: Tuesday, February 06, 2007 ::

I just changed this blog's settings to "private," as in "by invitation only"-- we'll see if it takes. Hopefully it did, because I need to unload. Why? Because I don't feel like censoring myself much lately. For how long? For a while, maybe, we'll see, I guess. I don't know. Hell, nobody reads my blog anyway, so what the hell? I guess if I make it public again, I can always go back and delete stuff I don't want out there. If I care, that is.

I'm in a pretty bad head. I haven't been able to connect. And I just get the feeling that people don't want me around. There certainly are other-- better-- people to know than I, to be sure. "Better" in every sense of the word: smarter, friendlier, more giving, and definitely better looking. It's really hard for me sometimes to believe in people's ability to look past how ugly I am and find something they want to know inside me, because more often than not, people fail to do that. There's not a lot I can do about how I look. I guess I could lose a bazillion pounds, but it's more than that. I can't change my facial structure or the shape of my head, the color of my eyes, placement of my ears, etc.

Nope, I don't have a partner. Or kids. I guess after a while, some people think that makes me a loser. Well, maybe. But I'd rather be alone than go through anything close to the hell I barely escaped in my last "relationship," if one could even call it that. I lost a lot of time, friends, money, and mostly self-esteem in that one. I'm still trying to set straight the lies she told.

But who cares? That's what it comes down to. Not many.

Today I sat in my truck at work and realized the truth in that. And admitted to myself how miserable it made me. There's nothing I can do about it and I am out of energy to try.

So I made a pact with myself. Once those beings have left this plane, so will I. I faced the rock-hard truth that if I left, the only people it would truly adversely affect are my mother (whom I would never hurt like that) and my beautiful, loving cats, who wouldn't understand why I had left them. Once they are gone, it won't matter at all. I'm figuring around five years or so. And that feels like an eternity from here. Maybe it won't take that long. Or maybe I'll change my mind about it, but right now, I'm just exhausted from hurting all the time. This gives me time enough to finish up the projects I have promised, and I intend to do that.

But I had a vision today that gave me peace. I had wrapped up all the details in my life. No one was waiting on anything from me. On a beautiful sunny day I drove out to the woods, parked my car, and walked off the path deep into them. In a pine-scented grove, the sun shining through the trees, I stood and smiled, took a deep peaceful breath, raised a gun to my head, and went back to the earth I loved. Nothing for anyone to clean up anywhere, no expenses to be paid. I saw it all and it was beautiful.


****EDITOR'S POST SCRIPT 4/15/2007:
It didn't last-- the "privacy" act, so to speak. So y'all will just have to take all with the proverbial grain, and realize that we ALL do battle inside now and again. And if we're lucky, we come out of it with a stronger sense of who we are in the world, an increased capacity for compassion, and the ability to appreciate our own dynamic emotional ranges. That doesn't mean these feelings go away, not at all. We just incorporate them into our being, a bittersweetness that subtly enhances our characters and experiences.

:: Anne 7:06 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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