:: anne in the attic ::

Create Your Own Countdown

:: Monday, April 25, 2005 ::

"Kitty Piercy is not MY mayor," read the bumper sticker I saw earlier today. Noting the shiny red high-rise truck flying the confederate flag, with airplane-sized tires, gas tanks the size of swimming pools, MPG as low as George Bush's emotional intelligence quota (hint: single digits, folks), and what looked like a gun rack inside the king cab, I thought, "I can see that." Hopefully, he was headed back to Springfield anyway.

:: Anne 11:11 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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Lately I've noticed a trend of several people in my usual circles of travel and acquaintanceship who operate on a rather unsavory criterion: If you don't worship me and what I do/have done, then I have no use for you. (An alternate and less severe maxim, albeit perhaps a not entirely conscious one: If you don't have something I want, then I don't have time for you.) These are the ones I have had to give up on, really, the ones with the Narcissistic bent (and at least one textbook Narcissist), because it's way too draining. A friendship should be reciprocal, and I've come into contact with way too many people in the past five years who just want whatever I can give them, be it material goods, or more often, emotional support, without much regard in turn for my being human as well. It's discouraging when someone only contacts you when they want something from you. I'm sure I have played a role in that and am not entirely without fault, but I was raised to share and to support my friends and family when they needed it. I am willing to help all manner of folks in all manner of situations-- that's not what I mean, and that's fine. I have also received help when needed, to be fair. I'm just feeling an imbalance in my life these days of superficial people who would probably not otherwise give me the time of day. I hate to say that, but it's been brewing for a while, and I need to admit it to myself that these people are not a positive influence and move past it, draw some boundaries, and begin new endeavors.

Unfortunately, my faith in humankind as a whole is not strengthened by these recent experiences. I've tried to be as unbiased as possible, but it really bums me out to see people do that to each other. Some of the people in my experience also act this way with other people, and tend to glom on to others who help them-- with work, with money, or with one-sided emotional support. (That's not to say that there aren't still some solid people in my life who are not this way, mostly the ones who have always been there. There are a few newer ones, but not many, who have shown themselves to be genuine.)

It could mean my expectations are too high, and they are pretty high; but they're not unreasonable, and I expect that I, too will abide by them. I expect people to live by the golden rule, pretty much, and not have double standards. I expect honesty, tempered by a healthy respect for each other's privacy (e.g. If I tell you I can't make a prospective activity because I have other plans, I think it's quite rude for you to retort, "What other plans?" If I had felt it necessary to say or wished you to know the details, I would have volunteered them in the first place). I don't expect that we will spend every meeting discussing your problems or your successes exclusively; on the other hand, a good give-and-take conversation is as good as a high. I don't expect you to think you have automatic designs on my time and resources just because you call yourself my friend. God, this is starting to sound like a fucking friendship manifesto, and I don't mean it to be... but it helps me to delineate these things, perhaps to see where lines need to be drawn. If having a healthy, balanced lifestyle means that I have to free myself from some imbalances, then here's hoping I am strong enough to do that.

:: Anne 11:05 AM [smartass remarks] ::
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I just heard something on NPR about a woman who runs an "elephant orphanage." I've seen and read about how highly intelligent they are, especially socially and emotionally, and what a compelling sense of community they have. I've seen footage of several of them working together (each of them taking on different roles) to free a young elephant from being stuck in a muddy ravine. They also exhibit complex mourning behaviours when one of their community dies. Anyway, the show's guest mentioned the recent tsunami in Japan, and how the elephants knew the moment the earthquake happened, and began heading to high ground, some of them grabbing human beings as they went and putting them on their backs. Wow.

:: Anne 7:18 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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Sixteen days! It's been sixteen days since I caught this illness-- and though it has pretty much left my body, what remains has left me voiceless and with an infection in my larynx/lower throat during what is probably the most crucial time of year for me to need my voice. The choir with whom I sing has its big Spring performance in less than a month, and right now is when everything solidifies as far as learning the music goes. What's worse, I'm also supposed to be part of this smaller group that is singing together, and I haven't been able to participate enough for them even to know how they sound with me. I am truly frustrated and am tired of just waiting around.

It makes me feel like an outsider, more so than usual. I mean, people are definitely sympathetic, but because I have to sit on the sidelines, it makes me feel guilty that I'm not pulling my weight, not upholding my responsibilities. What can I do?

I've been to the doctor twice, and was excused from work the better part of last week (going back tomorrow), and it doesn't seem to have helped. The doc says "refrain from talking, even whispering." Funny-- I didn't realize how much I do communicate during the day until now. So of course, I have not been completely successful at being mute. I'm sure that has slowed the healing process, especially the show I taped for my brother Saturday night, trying to yell over the noise and the bands.

Oh yeah, the show. Grant's band is improving-- but I think they could use a new guitarist. Fact is, DD just seems lazy, and I see Nolan and Grant up there working at keeping things together despite DD's inattention and tendency to overrun solos, play them in no particular key (which sometimes works and sometimes does not), and miss endings. I always thought Grant sold himself short as a drummer. Anyway, this is the second show they've had in this town (guess they've had a couple in Portland, too), with another coming up on the 30th. Favorite (or just plain tolerable) songs? "George Bush Is A Nazi," and "Alien Hunters." They're hitting the studio next weekend, I hear. Good luck, guys.

:: Anne 9:37 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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When I have fourteen songs that are polished and ready, I'll throw them together on a CD and release it. Who knows how long that will take and even if I will be able to reach that goal. But that is my life's work as I see it, and when I feel it's done, then I will rest. And I won't rest until it is done.

:: Anne 9:47 PM [smartass remarks] ::
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Morning dawns again, a new April, and the clocks have sprung forward in anticipation, but I haven't really noticed, as I've been laid out with an evil flu since Saturday morning. I went in to work just to case up my route (took me less than two hours, working from within a fever) so that someone else could carry it, then went right home. And before I realized it, Monday had come and gone, here it is Tuesday already, and I am smack in the middle of wasting my vacation being sick. Well, fuck that. I called various people last night to cancel various obligations involving music and other such impossibilities in my condition. Later this morning, though, I'm attempting a drive up to see my brother, who was greatly disappointed at my inability to come up Saturday night as we'd planned and spend a couple of days in Portland with him. It's not like I'll be a hell of a ball; I'll only be good for some hangin' out and video games, maybe, which was all we really wanted to do anyway.

As I lay sweating, though, the fruits of my eBay labours have begun to roll in, and the analog end of my studio is shaping up. There were some fun things in there just for me, too, like some Ten Years After and the Emitt Rhodes I wanted in reel-to-reel format. I understand the term "stacking" to be when you splice several 3.75-ips albums together on one reel for hours of listening without having to bother with reel changing. And one of my decks has the coveted auto-reverse feature (the Sony that's going into the main stereo system; the Teac in the studio is strictly a one-way 4-tracker)-- a little sensing foil at the other end, and you can get a good 4 hours straight. High-tech in its day; of course, now we have CD decks with huge capacities by comparison, but I love learning about all of this stuff. The hands-on of it all gives me something I can't express, nurtures my soul, preserves a kind of history.

I will miss the fellowship of the choir tonight, but we have an all-day practice at the end of the week, and I don't wish to pass on any pestilence before that. And though I am looking forward to that, I must admit that sometimes it's nice just to miss people, if that makes any sense to anyone else but me.

:: Anne 10:20 AM [smartass remarks] ::
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